I’m not posting here every day, but I am still writing every day. Which is pretty great. It suggests to me that it’s becoming less about the reaction and more about the work. I’ve had some lovely moments when I put something down and thought, that’s amazing! Then went back, read it and thought, wow! No, it isn’t! Which is great and here is why.
I used to be so insecure that I would write something that isn’t good and so I wouldn’t write. Which is absolutely batshit crazy. (I don’t know why batshit is crazier than any other shit, but there you go.) So the fact that I’m writing, looking over it, thinking it’s not that good and still writing is just amazing to me.
It suggests baby steps out of the I’m not good enough right off the bat (ha!) and so have determined I will never write/say/sing anything of consequence or delightful resonance. It could be that the security is a phase and I’ll find something to be insecure about before too long (it’s sad but I bet that’s entirely true) but I’ve finally started to reach a place where it doesn’t need to be perfect every time. It can’t be perfect every time. Honestly, I don’t know what perfect would look like because my perspective shifts so rapidly depending on seemingly insignificant factors such as water intake, what (if anything) I’ve eaten, did I have a good walk that got my blood flowing or did I cop out and sit on a rock in the sun while watching gala track every wild animal that took a shortcut through the property, did I forget to remove my bra and/or socks as soon as I had left the boundaries of civilization. Truly, if bras and socks are the mark of civilized culture, I believe we’re going about this all wrong.
But unfettered body parts aside, there is a profound self acceptance that is happening for me right now and it’s really really neat. It’s one of those things where I only begin to realize how deeply the psychosis of “it needs to be perfect or I’m not going to fucking bother!” is embedded once I start attempting to lift free from it. I wonder about the difficulty I have in forming new and healthy habits. Typically it looks like this.
I’m going to do something that is good for me to do nearly every day to help myself stay healthy as I live to be 111, like yoga. I have some 20 minute yoga podcasts that are great and what’s 20 minutes? Not much at all. The first day I wake up early, let Gala outside, make a cup of tea and turn on the yoga. I do it and feel great. The second day I wake up, not quite as early, let Gala out, make some tea and turn on the yoga. About halfway through I start thinking about how after I’m finished I’d like to play some piano. That seems a noble endeavor so I stop doing yoga and go play the piano. Third day, I sleep in. I never do yoga again. Until 6 months from now when I think I’m going to do something that is good for me to do nearly every day to help myself stay healthy, like yoga. Where are those podcasts?
It is horrifically hard to form a new healthy habit, but I think, maybe i”m just being too ambitious. (Because 20 minutes of stretching is just so self-indulgent..)Perhaps I should introduce a habit like drinking 2 glasses of water before bed and then again when I wake up. Emily does that and her skin is beautiful. Again. First day..go! Second day…Mostly! Third day..oops, I forgot..oh well, I’ll remember tomorrow. Nope. Nope I won’t.
Is the reason for this that I have spent so long quietly learning bad habits that anything which might shake up the status quo seem a horrifying shift in ideology? Even when the majority of my brain understands that the current behaviour is completely unhealthy and wrong?
Did I just use my own personal scenario as an analogy for what’s happening in canadian politics right now?
I don’t think that the bad habits I’ve formed were ever on purpose. And I don’t know that they are a result of any direct influence from anything or anyone in particular. They deserve to have some light shined (shoned?) on them but the reality is, where they came from really doesn’t matter. They just have to go. To make room for the good stuff. The mindful dietary choices. The understanding that if I’m peckish, I should just drink some water and see if it’s still there. Grasping that my muscles feel amazing when I stretch them regularly.
And letting those distracting voices have their moment but ultimately letting them drift away and bringing my focus back to the task at hand, whether it be writing, cooking, pianoing, dog walking, whatever.
Also, a happy side effect when I was having resistance to sitting and writing was that I was playing more piano, anything to keep from sitting and writing. ANYTHING. And piano was happy to fill that spot. I’m not sure if the two are related but recently, there are new things floating around in here. There are musics roaming the interior hallways of this crazy delightful brain. Snippets of songs, lyrics and all, sometimes just instrumentalisms. They show up mostly when I’m walking and often since I have little or no reception, I have no recording device with me to capture them. So I hum or sing on a loop in the hope that I maintain it until I get home. It’s really quite delightful but at the same time, it means that I’ll have to learn the basics of recording music (I’m told that the technology of now is very friendly for those with limited understanding of such things) because it feels like there’s a lot more in there. Honestly I never really expected it. I’m super intimidated by it and have now noticed that when I sit down at the piano, I think to myself..perhaps I should be at my desk! And immediately run away. Oh resistance, you silly old fool. When are you going to stop being so damn pushy and join the revolution?
Until that day though, I’ll keep struggling with the part of my brain that wants the normalcy of discomfort even though it shares space with the rest of us who are so ready for a shift in the body politic.
In the meantime, here is some Steve Brockley. Do you know him? I find him pretty awesome. He is one of those musicians who plays music I feel like listening to anytime at all. I believe he has found a permanent place on my ipod since I first encountered him I don’t even know how long ago in Ymir, thanks to Shawn and Carla and their impeccable ability to find incredibly talented musicians and convince them to play shows in what might be the smallest town with the biggest heart in the kootenays.