There was frost this morning. The sun shines, but I feel like it’s scared too. To reassure everyone, I decided to make oatmeal for breakfast, but it’s been so long that I did it wrong and I don’t know if the autumnal gods will be appeased by my attempt. One can only hope because I feel like the gods of autumn aren’t as cheerful as the gods of spring. But I might be wrong in that. I know that there is a part of me that delights in the fall. In the way everything changes so damn quickly. The hedonist in me digs it, from an instant gratification perspective.
I dreamed last night that it snowed. I was somewhere between here and there, speculating with someone as to the difficulty of continuing my journey. I commiserated with them, agreeing, “yes, you’re almost certainly right, I likely am trapped for the time being. It would do me well to make the best of it.” But in my head was already scheming as to when things would open up and I’d begin to move forward again.
On some level, that’s part of me, panicking that I’m buying wood instead of travel insurance and heading down the coast to California!!! But she’ll always do that. We all have aspects that come into their strengths at different times, in different places. I just happen to have one that shows up whenever I make a moderately major decision to tell me I’m wrong. Queen wrong of the bastard fucking wrong people.
But the reality is, her reaction does not suggest I’ve made the wrong decision. Only that I’ve made one. If I was writing this using the wifi of a krispy kreme somewhere south of Redmond (I hear there is one in Issaquah….), I’m sure she’d be hooting and hollering about the importance of putting down roots and not being afraid to stay in one place long enough to grow some food or spend the winter being creative and still, while paying down some of the debt we’ve incurred over the last while. Because road trips aren’t really conducive to that.
It does feel a bit like sanity, what’s going on right now. For some reason, I’m not sure what changed, I woke up feeling really optimistic this morning. Sure there is frost on the ground, but that just means that the world is still turning. If one is going to stay still for a time, while spinning through space at an insanely quick pace, I feel fortunate that I’ve found a really good place to do that.
So I’ll do that.