And this desire to level up,
this framework I’ve centered the word success within
this mastery of skill
Of time managed
and massaged to fit all the things into..
There was never one thing
I wanted to be good at.
And so many I wanted to try.
I’m thinking about what the word mastery means to me.
How it feels to put in the time, day after day, knowing that is what it takes to get good.
When I was learning how to hulahoop, they went everywhere with me.
I was that annoying girl on the bus with the giant circles that didn’t really fit anywhere.
I was dedicated without effort,
and without any particular endgame in sight,
beyond a passion for the thing that made me happy,
I couldn’t fail.
Somewhere along the way,
I lost sight of what it means to strive for something
Without the limitations of arrival.
It seems lately as though everything I do has to have a purpose,
Without any consideration of the sights along the way.
Even this exercise,
a poem a day
Has me thinking that by the end of it I’ll be something.
Which is folly as I’m already something.
It’s like I’m making it more about the Fool,
than the Journey.
This strange relationship
between rebelling against any sort of definition I might fit
and desperately wanting to be recognized as something.
I’ve become a bit obsessed with goals lately,
Not setting them,
That seems a bit obvious,
But feeling like I should be setting them.
And I understand the reason behind it,
The logic of setting small achievable objectives
To satisfy the need for small victories,
To ensure that I recognize forward movement being made
Even if only incremental.
But it feels disingenuous to do so
Because it suggests I know not only
Which direction I’m headed,
But where I want to be.
Today’s deck is the New Wave Tarot by Last Craft Designs
The 8 of Disks features Erasure, whose song Chains of Love feels like it fits well with this card, and the sentiment it invokes for me.