Knowing when to do it can be harder. Sometimes you hang onto something over long in the hope that it will stay yours even if you know it’s not and when you finally loose your grasp on it, you find that a part of it died while you were clinging tenaciously like a limpet on a rock.
Walking away when you want something so much is never easy, allowing someone else to have what you might have been convinced should be yours is difficult. The very notion of someone else getting it, regardless of whether you know them or not, might make you see red. In the angry way, not the strawberries and sunsets way.
And even at the last, still not quite ready to let go of that dream
Hoping the 11th hour will summon forth a miracle
Scared to walk away from something perceived as deserved
Petrified of confusing obsession with devotion
If resentment comes of impatience
Then calm must follow detachment
And demanding it must be mine for no other reason than right
Ends up feeling undeserved and wrong.
I’ve been coveting for far too long, expecting at some point, I’ll end up in a place I want, just because I want it. And feeling hateful towards the prospect of anyone else getting it, even to the point of deciding I would actively hate the person who, if by some strange chance the universe messed up and allowed someone else in there, got it instead of me.
It’s exhausting, hating someone who may not even exist. And silly. But it’s impractical to hang on to something that is so highly improbable, it’s nearly intangible even while it exists in the physical world.
710 Wildhorse Creek Road, if indeed you are as much a reality for me as you are my dream, it will happen. But I can’t cling to the notion that I might be the only person who deserves to live there. It’s selfish. So I’m done holding on. I’m letting you out of my grasp and if someone else buys you and plants a lovely garden and takes care of the fruit trees and the endangered salamanders and has a slip and slide down that perfectly gradual slope in the summer and sled run in the winter and has tea parties in the sun or the moonlight and builds wonderful swings and treehouses and and fills the house with music and light and laughter and joy then it’s worth it and I’m glad they found you. And if that person turns out to be me, that’s lovely too.
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