I’m learning lots about myself as I’m schooling and exploring in the time outside of school. I’ve started to go around in circles a little bit. I think I’m having the educational version of sensory overload. I’m taking in tons of information but not really processing it. Is that a thing? Is that just something that happens? Did I never notice it before because when I was in school learning stuff, the knowledge and the processing were closer to second nature?
When I first started, I did a thing where I was eat, sleep, breathing school. It was new, it was novel, it was overwhelming how much there was(is) to learn. But I was focused on the future and living in the present. I’m finding that a little harder these days. I have no idea where I’m going to end up as a result of this and it feels as though there should be some semblance of awareness, which I don’t yet have.

This is a difficult place to be, lost in the inbetween. There is nothing I should be doing beyond learning all of this new information. But my brain can’t help but question what we’re planning to do with it, once we’re done. It’s still a few months off, but I understand how quickly time can pass when you’re not paying attention. The end of the year will sneak up on me and I’m having to admit that I’m nervous.

I get dizzy in these depths I lose myself in.
These eddying swirls of brain game distraction.
Focused on the spiral going in, I forget there is an out
An endgame
A future perfect I’ve been neglecting.
Caught in the mode of the here and now
I shorten my gaze and fall short of the totter
When the teeter is all I can see.
This tether that keeps me focused
But forgetting to dream.
There are no words on the fringes of the pendulum
Only a perpetual swing.
is it better to lose sight of the might be
in favour of the is?
Or can I have both?
I’m learning new things
As I’m learning new things
And it makes my brain reel with possibility
But no time to process
If I am indeed where I should be,
While I struggle with where I am.

This feels like lip service. Honestly, it’s been so long since I wrote anything of substance I feel like I’m out of touch with the words. I know that I’ll try again tomorrow, it’s all I can do. I hope it’s enough.

It will be.
It must.