This is not that thing where I insist that this time it will be different. It won’t. I am still me, regardless of what the marketer that came up with ‘new year new you’ would have me believe.
It’s a fallacy to consider that I’ll instantly change habits and follow through on goals, that I’ll be more humble and more amazing in the same breath. Easily adapt to a fitness plan, a diet plan, a plan to be more of the person I plan to be at some point when I finally figure out who that is.
This is not where I say I’m going to write more and stretch more and breathe more and have more and do more. I’m tired of the insistence that what is happening is not enough, that what I’m doing and writing and singing and sharing is not enough. If I wasn’t in a good place, then perhaps finding some small ways to shift things would be a good idea, but I’m not going to make any announcements, pronouncements or denouncements of things I’ve done, and what I’ll do.
There are so many instances in my past where I should have just been snuffed, or righteously fucked up, or even had way more suffering make itself a consistent part of my existence. That is likely true for many.
But as it is, I live in a pain free body, occupied by a neurotypical brain and a nervous system that is pretty damn good at communicating with the myriad parts that comprise me. I’ve got a good thing going here.
I think that my biggest problem, which I acknowledge is pretty tiny in comparison to what’s out there, is that I’m too hard on myself for reasons that are rooted in a perception of how I should be that is outdated and of not much use to my self.
I think about new years in the past. Some are far more blurry than others, but nearly all of them encompass an ideal that I’m on the threshold of something that could potentially be great, a free pass to a fresh start and ohhhhhh you’d better not fuck this up.
In hindsight, I’m sure that the weight of the expectations might be what led to my decision to have quieter new years, perhaps to slip from one year to the next in a place where I was already shifting my habits of the past to allow for more sweeping changes into my present.
I think the trouble is the focus on the notion of change over night. The cinderella ideology that at midnight, it’s all new, it’s all different, it’s all ready to be reset right now! And when it’s not instant, I search for something new to distract me, because obviously my big life changes are not presenting themselves fast enough.
But when I look at where I am now, in comparison to where I was, I see the effect, and it’s kind of amazing.
I have been learning, I have been growing, I have been changing. Yes, for the better. Incrementally but appreciably.
Who I am is enough.
What I’m doing is good.
Where I am suits me just fine.
I am honestly not sure if I’ve changed, or if I’m just more myself than I ever was because I’ve stopped looking for ways to stand out and simultaneously fit in. Whatever it is, it’s working.
So happy new, to the same old me. And to you too.
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