My smile cracked wide, words slipped inside and gently pried
I scrambled, gathered brambles I had always used to hide.
Of course they poke you, but they prick me too,
They stick deep and they’re in, a part of my skin,
Until I can’t remember a time
When I wasn’t an emotional porcupine.

Get close? That boast of a habit of saving
Well I have no craving to be the test of that raving insanity
That someone else can be
The person to fix me,
it’s best if we delve into our own damn selves.

And I walked,
sometimes ran
Always away, it’s safe to say that I spanned continents
In my effort to stay consistent with my plan
To abstain
Distant and alone
Sure, social enough, maintaining a tone
Of cheerful reclusion
Now and again, an inclusion
Of seduction, flesh fusion
That left me bereft of the mindgasms I sought
Heartfuck borrowed, never bought
Isolation too cold, but too hot
when they clung
And so once again, the pendulum swung.

One or the other, is there a way to have both?
I’m striving for balance, working hard to find growth
To be the girl whose armour doesn’t trap her within
Who isn’t scared to take chances,
let you all the way in
Let the sweet, the sultry, the sinful way we play
be a testament to best times spent
on yesterdays,
how we got to be grand
Adventurers now, in this moment and how
We won’t stand idly by and worry tomorrow
Wring hands and cry of future perfects or sorrows
The moments of fretting pass quickly, disaster
Has no chance to gain traction, made slipp’ry by laughter.

But perspective’s important, I’m feeling quite brave
Reassured that the heartfucking indeed goes both ways
And while the risk, the peril is something I crave
I’m my own knight, I don’t need to be saved
You appreciate well I don’t need to be rescued
So I’m taking delight in being seen, not just viewed
But my insistence that romance must be eschewed
Suggests to me that the way I engage might be skewed
Makes me wonder if I’ve been wrong all this time
If I’ve hidden from something that was already mine

An impermanent gift of beauty most treasured
A wabi sabi of sorts, an imperfect pleasure
Something as simple as a smile on the phone
The way you use words, I feel I’m at home
My brain and my heart are kind of aligned
And it’s scary as fuck, but I don’t really mind
It won’t be forever, but then nothing will
We’re born and we die, and lucky to fill
The time inbetween with giggles and light
With rampant heartfuckery, with the fun kind of fight
The ones where both sides do a victory dance
Ideally while we are not wearing pants.